AFN #139: And If I See Van Helsing, I Swear To The Lord I Will Slay Him

One week later

Before I do anything else this week I want to thank you all for the response to last week’s newsletter. I got more comments, replies, and texts on/about it than practically any other newsletter I’ve posted—the only thing that could top it in terms of numbers would be the reaction to my return to agenting.

It makes me so happy that so many of you felt comfortable with me and this space to share your feelings. If anything, the reaction told me that my first instinct—hiding in a hole and waiting for this all to be over—would at best deprive you of an informative and supportive voice in a trying time and at worst be a serious abrogation of my self-created obligations.

Many people are choosing the hole, or the sea, or the comfort of ignoring the news, which is understandable. I said last week that I would someday get to rah-rah activist mode, and now I’m not sure if I ever will, at least not the rah-rah part. Too many people have been fighting too many battles for too long for me to believe that a Yes We Can attitude from a white liberal woman in 2024 is going to be all that helpful in the weeks and months and years to come.

But that stupid quote about not being free to abandon the work is kind of haunting me. I realized I had kind of allowed myself to avoid it—the work, the slow grind of being a citizen in a society. The drudging anxiety of calling my senators and my congresspeople and volunteering and phone banking and donating time and money to causes that might fail.

The time was going to pass anyway. The time is going to pass, and things for large segments of the population are likely to get worse. But if the time is going to pass anyway, why not use some of it to try and make the world, the country, my community, a slightly better place?

There are obviously issues at work in American society—and in the Global West as a larger idea—that I can’t, individually, fix. I’m going to try to do what I can. I signed up to be a member of my neighborhood’s mutual aid society—I’m starting there. I’ve been trying to reach out to friends to check in on them. I’m going to try and be more involved in the organizations and institutions I belong to, to be a more active participant in the life of the world.

[If you aren’t into religious mentions/discussions, skip this paragraph—and know that I probably won’t be talking about it much in the future, because I know it’s a topic that’s caused a lot of grief for people.] I alluded last week to being religious, and there’s a phrase that keeps circling in and out of my mind: “the life of the world to come.” It’s the last line of the Nicene Creed, a short prayer that lays out the tenets of belief of the Episcopal church. (Catholics also say it, I think—it was formulated at the First Council of Nicea in 325 AD.) The full line is “We look for the resurrection of the dead, and the life of the world to come.” I don’t know that the dead will rise again in accordance with the Scriptures, but the world to come is just the world we live in; we are creating it with our actions, every day on Earth.

So why not use the time? This doesn’t just extend to activism and community development. It means acts of creation—finishing that novel, writing that fanfic, making that piece of art. It means creating something where there wasn’t—a hat, where there never was a hat.

I recently rewatched the 2008 film "Forgetting Sarah Marshall.” There’s a moment when Jason Segel’s character, Peter, is in a beachside bar with Rachel, played by Mila Kunis. Peter, a frustrated musician grinding it out as the composer for a network crime procedural, has come to Hawaii trying to get over a breakup with his famous actress girlfriend Sarah (Kristen Bell.) Trying to get him to reconnect to his creativity, Rachel arranges for a surprie performance by Peter of a song from his puppet rock opera about Dracula:

It's getting kind of hard to believe
Things are going to get better
I've been drowning too long to believe
That the tide's going to turn

And I've been living too hard to believe
That things are going to get easier now
I'm still trying to shake off the pain
From the lessons I've learned

And if I see Van Helsing, I swear
To the Lord I will slay him! (A-ha-ha-haa!)
He can’t take you from me
I swear I won’t let it be so! (A-ha-ha-ha!)

Blood will run down his face
When he is decapitated... (Aah!)
His head on my mantle is how
I will let this world know

How much I love you--
Die... die... die!
I can't

It’s an extremely silly song, but the pain of the breakup comes through in the lyrics, evident as he’s performing—Van Helsing, in this instance, is inferred to be Sarah’s new boyfriend, the obnoxious rock star Aldous Snow (played by accused rapist and newly minted right wing fuckboy Russell Brand.) Brand and Jonah Hill both have roles in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, a fact that has kept me from rewatching it in recent years; it’s hard, sometimes, to look at a piece of media I loved and see people who have caused so much pain.

There was something in the lyrics, though, that really spoke to me. It is getting kind of hard to believe things are going to get better. Living has been too hard to believe things are going to get easier now. The pain of the lessons we’ve learned has been extremely hard to shake off.

When I went to look up the lyrics, I found that Segel had performed an entirely different version of the song on an episode of Craig Ferguson’s old late-night talk show, and the updated lyrics are significantly more hopeful. (One can only imagine that the version from the film is some kind of second-act reprise in a moment of darkness.)

Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

It's getting kind of hard
To believe things are going to get better
I've been drowning too long
To believe that the tide's going to turn
And I've been living too hard
To believe things are going to get easier now
I'm still trying to shake off
The pain from the lessons I've learned

Having you here now
I see things are going to be brighter
Oh, and feeling you here now
I know I might make it through
Oh, loving you this long
Has made me believe in forever
And with you, these dreams
I'd forgotten might somehow come true

And knowing your embrace this well
Just makes me want to be better
And knowing your heart this well
Makes me wish mine would grow
(Oh my love)
And loving you this much
Makes me want to write sweet songs forever
With a little love, babe
We could make the whole world know
How much I love you

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

And when I see your face
I will swear to the Lord I was dreaming
And when I hold your hand
I watch time disappear into air
(Oh my love)
And when I speak your name
I can feel I just said something sacred
While saints pray for heaven
I thank God I'm already there

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

A more hopeful version. We need both—the vengeful, righteous anger, the soft and delighted hope. Next week I’m going to return to our regularly scheduled programming, but I hope that everyone is giving themselves grace and encouragement to find the thing that helps you keep going in These Times.

WHAT I’M READING

Fanfiction, mostly, since my comfort show (the ABC first responder procedural 9-1-1) broke up my beloved beefcake duo last week and I need fix-its. Apart from haunting their pair tag on AO3, I picked up a trade paperback copy of my even more beloved The Doomsday Book at Union Ave Books in Tennessee over the weekend, and I’m nearly done with that. Next up is finishing my reread of A Desolation Called Peace, and I’m considering a reread of the Southern Reach trilogy before reading the new book in the series, Absolution.

THIS WEEK IN HOCKEY

capitals

A post shared by @capitals

My elderly pasture dogs the Washington Capitals are getting the band back together, the band being the 2018 Cup-winning roster. First, they got little baby beans Jakub Vrana back from his exile on first the Red Wings and then the Blues. Just this week they traded for third-line center Lars Eller, releasing him from whatever hideous dark sorcery has its hold on the Penguins locker room. Overall, the Caps are good—as of the time of writing, the Caps are 3rd in the Metropolitan division and 7th in the league overall. Ovi is only like 31 goals from beating Gretzky’s goal record. Heady times!

HOUSEKEEPING

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